Other Great American*/Japanese Remakes

Cinematical asks the pressing question, "Does Universal Know About ‘Jaws in Japan’?”

While the author doesn’t get into too much aside from hypothetical legal questions and a link to Amazon, distributor Cinema Epoch does!

Beautiful girls are in danger. At Sunny Beach, a huge shark is waiting for his prey.

So far, so awesome.

College students Miki and Mai arrive on a private beach on a tropical island. They can’t find the hotel where they booked their reservations, and have gotten hopelessly lost, until a handsome young man shows up, offering to take them to his lodge.

What could go wrong, you ask?

But something is not right about the place. The owner’s fingernails are tainted with blood and Miki feels something sinister lurking nearby.

I bet there’s a zombie shark nearby! But not to rain on the original post’s parade about Jaws becoming the next Ernest series in Japan. Secondly, I doubt John Hijiri is in charge of any “revamp" to the franchise.

It’s not uncommon for films to be remade across the seas lest we forget Fox International remaking (shot for shot) Sideways with four Japanese actors or an upcoming Japanese version of Ghost from an article in last year’s Times. In fact, to show some production proof that most major studios don’t give a shit about remakes, let’s remember those that came before us:

  • Seven Samurai (1954, d. Kurosawa) : The Magnificent Seven (1960, d. Sturges)
  • The Hidden Fortress (1958, d.Kurosawa) : Star Wars (1977, d. Lucas)
  • Yojimbo (1961, d. Kurosawa) : A Fist Full Of Dollars (1964, d. Leone*)
  • Kimba The White Lion (1965, d. Mushi Productions) : The Lion King (1994, d. Allers)
  • Pulse (1998, d. K. Kurosawa) : Pulse (2006, d. Sorenzo) only mentioned due to the American remake’s original trailer literally being shot for shot of the Japanese, complete with sfx shots.

Of course, then you can get into how Full Metal Yakuza is a stylized adaptation of Robocop, the J-Horror phenomena of the late 90s/early aughts and the unconfirmed triple-digits of sequels to the spaghetti western Django. But by then we’re comparing apples to durians—and that’s not even Japanese!

Suffice to say, I don’t think Universal is going to give a shit about Jaws in Japan.  Instead I think we should all be more excited for The Season:

A stranded group of people in rural Iowa find themselves held captive by a deranged, excommunicated Amish family.

Awesome.

*Sergio Leone is about as American as the brand of Western he helped establish. And Fist was released in Italy prior to a stateside drop.

“

After the mission, Diggs goes to live with Shane, who has been looking for Diggs since he escaped the police kennel. Diggs is called to HQ and is shown a live video showing that Mr. Tinkles has escaped from prison with the Calico. It is shown that Diggs, Butch, Catherine, and Seamus are still working together, hinting at another sequel that is possibly titled Cats & Dogs 3.



There is a post-credits scene with Mr. Tinkles and the Calico.

”
— The plot summary of Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore from Wikipedia.

The Wrap: Yes, Virginia, Movie Theaters Are Going Away →

This is, by far, the lamest attempt at starting a trend in the history of trying to make your opinion into fact.

Especially because—as a supposed New Yorker—he bitches about the Angelika and feeling the A Train under your seat.

Guess what, jerk? It’s the F/VM/D/B that you feel. The A/C/E goes downtown and doesn’t cut across at all while in the Village/SoHo.

Also, he clearly never knew the joy of the Pioneer Theater.

edit: I forgot the V turned into the M. Whoops!

THE CRYING DONKEY reviewed

[I wrote this last September when I saw THE CRYING DONKEY Lebanon at New York Film Festival. I even was quoted as wanting to punch people who liked this film. Re-published from defunct blog.]

It is an undeniable fact that Samuel Moaz’ Lebanon is a focused view on the horror of war and the undesirable situations one would find as a solider in conflict. Barely ten minutes into the ham-fisted melodrama, the disorienting nature of P.O.V. and fear are hammered home in such a way that it’s almost hard to believe what you, as the viewer, are privy to.

Then, there’s the crying donkey. As the gun turret (which represents our view and Shmulik, the Gunner’s) wildly scans the aftermath of an air force bombing , the camera stops on a blown apart donkey. The turret zooms in repeatedly, “clicking” each time as it gets closer until finally the only thing in the cross hairs is the donkey’s eye.

And a sole tear slides down.

This is, in effect, everything that cripples Maoz’ film in a single shot. Touted by a few other critics in attendance as “this year’s Waltz with Bashir,” which was at NYFF ‘08, Lebanon follows a Tank crew of green soldiers who are dispatched to clean-up the remnants of a town with a paratrooper squad before moving onward.

While heavily based in Moaz’ own experience as a soldier in the 1982 Lebanon war, the film evokes its’ mood in a pitch-perfect sense that everyone is afraid and no one can be turned into a soldier, no matter what kind of artillery they’re given. The sound design, as Steven Boone noted at The House Next Door, is phenomenal and Alex Claude should be lauded with countless awards, medals and tiny gold speakers. Unfortunately, we can’t just focus on that.

Lebanon drowns itself in sentimentality and overwrought statements from a character continually repeating “I have two weeks left in the service” and to “call my mom, so she isn’t worried about me.” He may as well reveal his last name is Red-Shirt. If you want to use the excuse that since this is a war film, it has to be heavy handed–go right ahead. But it’s appalling that this by-the-numbers “war is hell” has received so much critical love for something as asinine as a crying donkey.

p.s. I am a "movie blogger."

That’s the part that really sucks to admit. I’m kept on a few PR e-mail lists and get a BCC every so often with pre-release screenings for editorial consideration, so I can go pitch people or ask around if someone needs something reviewed.

While at Current, I tried my hand at running the (now defunct) current_movies blog. It’s a fucking bitch, man.

I know, “how hard is it to blog?" Well, first you need to have a set number of posts. Three doesn’t sound like a lot, does it? But what if you want to get actual traffic instead of just rewriting a story from Variety? What if you want to make a list or a timely editorial? Blogging well is incredibly difficult, especially if you’re the de-facto “editor" and trying to convince other people who are working on other projects to give you 20 minutes of their time to make something worth posting.

And it’s never five minutes or 30 seconds—it always takes a while.

So when you get a press release about something, it’s an instant post. Maybe you can link back to an old post and churn that hit count up to inflate your SEO. But here comes the suckiest part of being a movie blogger: you have to know what you’re doing.

Yes, you can be catty and a sarcastic asshole, but what if you don’t know about the history of Herzog and Kinski? What if you didn’t attend Sundances ‘90 through ‘04 and need to write about how historic Sundance 2010 is? Did you not see White Dog before? What’s a Criterion?

Roughly 60 percent of the people who blog commercially on film don’t know shit about it. They make it up, they bow to studios and they slobber like rabid fucking animals for an early peek at Scott Pilgrim. They will turn on their friends and they forget their squabbles if it means a false sense of solidarity.

I watched this happen twice. First after I wrote a list about another writer and second at Sundance earlier this year when I gave away a scene from some generic sci-fi horror film on Twitter. I stayed up to work on a few things in my hotel room and found certain movie bloggers bashing my “professionalism" for “giving away the entire film" in one tweet. Trust me, I didn’t even mention the worst of the film.

But for the next two days in Park CIty I dealt with people who would refuse to talk to me because they questioned my “professionalism" and—according to a second-hand source—tried to get my credentials revoked for 2010 and for the future. It got so annoying I refused to wear my credentials while walking around and would talk to people about other breakout films there—Lovers of Hate, Restrepo, Enter the Void, Catfish—and when asked if I knew about “the asshole who ruined Splice" I’d say I didn’t.

"Oh," a guy in a hotel bar said, “he apparently gave away the entire film. Just went on twitter and spoiled every scene in the movie. And then he kept doing it! I hope he gets fired for whoever he works for. I think he writes for…I don’t know. Someone said he was a New York guy."

Suffice to say, weeks later these same people went back to normal as if I was just another guy. Nothing changed. But it reflects this weird sense of pack mentality the “movie blogger" elite has when “something is bad."

I mean, fuck, most of the guys undersigned on the letter at The Wrap? They blackmailed the shit out of studios in the old days. Nothing’s new here.

Also, the pay is shit and the coffee is old.

“It’s a cozy and yet competitive group; many keep in constant contact online and, in some cases, are more than wiling to express anger and frustration with one another. At the same time, they are often seen traveling in packs at Comic-Con and other premieres and events, where they are frequently approached by readers and fans.”
—

The Wrap: Movie Bloggers Accuse Colleague of ‘Blackmailing’ Universal at Comic-Con

Alternate Hed: Neckbeards Get Uppity When Fellow Neckbeard Gets More Uppity at Neckbeard Convention.

Any juicy stories about Current TV or The Rotten Tomatoes Show?

Yes. The first week I started working at Current I was sitting in my office when someone asked where we should go for lunch, since it was my birthday.

I said Cactus, a delightful taqueria on Vine.

They have amazing lengua tacos. And they serve Cactus Coolers, which are like pineapple juice mixed with awesome. That was the first time I drank juice. it was delicious.

Also I killed a bunch of hookers and left them at SuperNews’ old offices in Hollywood. But that’s not important.

Ask Me How.