No, really. I’m a bad-ass chef.
edit: in honor of Sharktopus premiering yesterday at Fantastic Fest and tonight on SyFy I felt compelled to make a fauxtastic fest fajita. In other news, I’m the fucking alliteration master.
you will need:
- one chuck steak.
- handfull of fresh spinach. visit your local outdoor market.
- one slice of red onion
- pinches of salt, pepper
- spoon full of horseradish and mustard.
- healthy (i.e. “oh shit i spilled too much. fuck. fuck. shit. fuck.") dose of chili pepper oil.
- one flower tortilla (i used Mission, but if you have an alternative, hit it up.)
prep:
Take your steak. Proceed to beat the crap out of it with a meat mallet until it is as flat and thin as the plots of the Resident Evil franchise. Once accomplished, liberally salt and pepper and then add spoon full of mustard/radish to the meat. Rub it in. Go on. You jerk.
Take your pan. I used a grill pan, the best fucking invention since the motherfucking wok when it comes to combining meats, vegetables and oils to make something delicious. Proceed to add the healthy (i.e. “oh shit i spilled too much. fuck. fuck. shit. fuck.") dose of chili pepper oil with a bit of olive oil to the pan. The chili pepper oil should clearly look like it’s going to mess everything up, but it won’t.
Keep your stove top on a low or simmering. I know this sounds crazy for beef, but do it.
Now. Take your one slice of red onion. Mince.
You should be browning your beef so far and everything should have a red-green sauce in the making.
Now add your onions to the pan for delicious searing. Stir a bit. You should have enough room to avoid the beef.
Then add in your spinach. Cover the pan and stir occasionally.
Keep checking on your beef. It’s going to look lightish-green due to the mustard, so don’t freak out. Instead conquer that fear by adding a slice of brie.
Yes, I said add a slice of brie. You can’t see it in the photo, but it’s there.
Now recover to let the delicious cheese melt on top of your meal. When thoroughly melted, spinach and onions should be perfect. Begin collecting them with your trust spatula and pile that on the steak.
Your fauxijta is almost ready. Take that tortilla and throw it onto the pan. Let it cook for a minute in the chili oil. Take it out, put it on the plate and then plate.
You will likely devour the meal in under 75 seconds because it is that goddamn delicious. It will serve one. Your neighbors will beg for one, but you only made one and that was the one you ate.
And therefore, you are better than your neighbors. In fact, you’re a winner. And this is the meal for a winner. And now you can drink all of that liquor you were meaning to drink while watching Sharktopus.