heller:

I compiled every funny rhythmic tweet that I wrote last summer and perfected the flow and made a rap track. The beat is “Beans” from The Unspeakable Chilly Gonzales, which is a pretty dope track in its own right. Shout out to Sal Morales for engineering the track. Shout out to Rich at MiniSexCops for the picture. Shout out to Axel for that candy.

Lyrics: 

[Killer Intro]

Don’t got a cellphone—only got a pager
Beep me later?—about the rager?
Oh there’ll be kegs bro —Oh you can’t go? 
Yer girlfriend’s pregnant?—U gotta watch her eggs grow?

I was drinkin’ Four Loko when I voted for Coco
Don’t vote for Leno, don’t like his chin bro
i’m playing Keno, your grandma plays bingo
my grandma’s on mahjong, 
need some weed mon? pass mah bong son 

I’m drinking mango lassi with Haile Selassie.
Eating kürtőskalács with Cuitláhuac
We’re listening to Rusko, while we’re eating at Roscoe’s
We’re talking about Rothko 
(it’s just a square man)
you’re such a square dan! — this is transcendal art and imma big fan

I’m getting a Sun Tan with Henny Youngman 
and I’m like please, take my wife. 
Dionysus was a dinosaur
and I’m the raptor from Tree of Life 

Sean Penn eating a coconut curry in Phenom Penh
that’s Phenomenal Penh, it’s Cambodacious

(nothing rhymes with that it’s just hilarious
but let’s let this sick beat carry us. ) 

Chomping on chomping on chomping on some chimichurri with Mark Curry 
I’m eating Wetzels Pretzels with Mr Drexel
Nick Freno he gave the keynote at the fake teacher convention in Encino

[Yo what up it’s Raunchmaninoff, Raunchymaunchy, Beef Stroganoff]

Cuz I’m unemployed on the Dole, eatin’ pineapples, that’s how we roll.
Part-time job, pretty Chiquita, I’m going bananas, I can’t afford the parking meter

He’s having an existential crisis, he can’t stop feeling the gloom
I’m on EcsTa-sential crisis, I can’t stop feeling the bristles on this broom

Youza highroller on ecstasy and chron. 
You thizzing too bro? Yo whats Steve on? 
Werewolves of London with Warren Zevon
You Afraid Of The Dark? Yes I’m staying up till dawn

Don Johnson, Don Omar, Don Juan DeMarco
More thoughts on time travel than Donnie Darko

Cuz I’m tweetin’ raps while I’m cheatin’ at craps
I should not have tweeted dat cuz these dudes look mad
I swear the dice aint loaded… 
but my potatoes are.
Got some Jalapeño Poppers in the backseat of my car

Yo you like appetizers too brah? 
Well I’m the mushroom champion, sopa de jabon
Came up with that in Spanish class, Sittin all alone 

LL Cool J in the XXL department at LL Bean 
drinking a double macchiato from the Coffee Bean

Yo he likes Ween? I love that song, uh, Freedom of Seventy Six. 
Did they do Baby Bitch? I totally thought that was Elliot Smith. 

Will Smith—no longer be the most common name in America
As the Latino population grows, I think it’ll be something like Morales or Gonzales who really knows?

Not since Dylan has there been hotter fire spit.