having drank both of these last night, i feel as if i must compare them.

namely because both made me feel like i was a very susceptible young woman named “cindy with two i’s" who was at her first big high school party and was being fed candy drinks by a guy in a varsity jacket who had plans to get me drunk and then rape me behind the bleachers.

and i had the watermelon four loko. then some very enthusiastic fellow took the bottle of goldschlager with him. that man, dear reader, was not me.

the life lesson from this: drinking candy drinks means you will pay horrendous consequences and have to live with these memories (or lack thereof) in the back of your mind for years to come.

also both leave a very stale aftertaste in your mouth that you will carry over into your next day no matter how many times you brush your teeth or eat peppermint gum. tho four loko does make it easier to hi-jack a party’s speakers and play plumtree’s “scott pilgrim" very loudly and then an upset fellow will say, “dude why did you do that?"

and you’ll respond, “this is the new kanye."

"oh? dope. who’s the vocals?"

"that’s nikki manaj."

"dope."

"yes. dope."