"The Last Breathed" or "The Final Opus" Would Both Be Bad Titles For This Post

benjoseph:

Berkley Breathed is one of my role models. The artist behind Bloom County, Outland, and Opus (the titular penguin being the element that ties all three strips together), he’s a master of that perfect mix of sincerity and satire that resonates so well with me. Next to Bill Watterson, he’s one of the few to have elevated the comic strip to something like art.

Consequently, it’s a little heartbreaking to hear he’s retiring in two weeks. He argues that, in the current cultural climate, the tone of Opus will be “impossible to maintain”. When the journalist offers that perhaps these dark times are when satire is needed most, he responds (here’s where it intersects my little online, media-centric universe):

It’s not so much dark times now, as profane and loud. Satire you’ll have, oh dear me, indeedy yes. “Vomitous” and “awash” are two words that come to mind. It used to be that everyone would be famous for 15 minutes. How antediluvian. Rather, everyone will now want a satirical YouTube film with 15 megabytes. Rather, the real dearth in our world will be sweetness, comfort, thoughtfulness and civility.

It’s a complaint that rings of old fogey-ness, but, when asked if he’ll ever return to the medium, Breathed offers a reply that rings of the wit and irreverence I grew up on:

Is this it? Are you ruling out the possibility of ever doing an episodic cartoon ever again?

I like turtles.

It is, as Breathed puts it, the “perfect dodge from unpleasant candor”. Which is, I believe, how I’ll end this post.

tl;dr fidgety old unfunny man finally gives up, goes out to end miserable life.

Only in Japan, Kids.

The doctor, 27, was about to insert a new tube into the patient’s throat from below his Adam’s apple on Friday morning, when another tube that was already embedded in the patient’s airway caught fire.

The flames — reaching some 10 centimeters high — were immediately extinguished and the damaged tube removed, but the patient was left with serious burns to the respiratory passage, mouth and face.

This is how the Japanese prepare for the end of days. By learning how to use their necks as flamethrowers. It will become customary in Japan, during the year 2043, to bow to a guest and then try to incinerate them with your throat flame. Failure to do so? Instant death!

The ironic thing about a brownie post?

Little known fact: one of the people let go in the great Denton Blog-o-Caust ‘08 was the copy editor for Gizmodo and Lifehacker.

You may ask, “Isn’t a copy editor crucial to on-the-fly nature of tech reporting or giant listicles that focus on how you can be more productive while reading giants lists of explanation, thus capturing you in an endless paradox that can only be broken by some flash games?"

That answer is no. The only people who use copy editors are newspapers, magazines, PR firms and Ad Agencies. And look how they’re doing.

Also—they didn’t post about how delicious that goddamn brownie was. Because that brownie was so delicious, nearly 2,000 people clicked to find out why.

The answer to the crumbling medium of print? To restoring jobs and providing income? To getting me a steady paycheck once more?

Brownies. Motherfucking Brownies, people.

Then again, I bake cakes. So by this logic, I’ll be back at MSNBC by Monday. And this time, I’ll only bake for Shuster.

Starcraft + Old Pro-Life Meme=...

Day 1

HIVE MIND, I AM ONLY 8, BUT MY DEVELOPMENT HAS NOT BEEN IMPEDED SEVERELY, RESULTING IN FULLY-FUNCTIONAL ORGANS AND LIMBS. ALTHOUGH AT THE MOMENT I CANNOT MOVE THEM, SOON I WILL BE READY TO CARRY OUT THE WILL OF THE QUEEN.

Day 2

HIVE MIND, YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO KNOW MY CLAWS ARE BEGINNING TO FORM. ONE DAY I HOPE TO STRIKE DOWN THE TERRAN MENACE WITH THEM.

Day 3

TODAY I HAVE RECOGNIZED MY GENDER AND TASK, HIVE MIND. IT APPEARS I AM AN ATTACK DRONE. IT SADDENS ME TO KNOW THAT I AM UNABLE TO ASSIST THE QUEEN IN BEARING MORE SPAWN AS A WORKER, BUT NONETHELESS I WILL DO MY DUTY WITHOUT A MOMENTS HESITATION.


Day 4

I AM GLAD TO INFORM THE HIVE THAT MY SCALES AND TEETH ARE BEGINNING TO HARDEN, AS ARE MY CLAWS. I AM BEGINNING TO SECRETE MUCUS FOR MY EVENTUAL HATCHING.

Day 5

HIVE MIND, TODAY A WORKER INSPECTED MY EGG AND I COULD NOT HELP BUT OVERHEAR I AM UNFIT FOR COMBAT. WHY IS THIS, MY QUEEN? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THE INABILITY TO SERVE YOU AND THE GLORIOUS HIVE? FORGIVE ME; I MEAN NOT TO TALK BACK AGAINST YOU. IT IS MY FAULT ALONE FOR MY UNSUCCESFUL BIRTHING. PERHAPS ONE DAY I CAN EMERGE FROM MY COCOON.

Day 6

SOMETHING IS INTRUDING THE HIVE. I CAN FEEL IT. MY QUEEN, A THOUSAND PARDONS FOR FAILING YOU. MY ONLY WISH WAS TO DIE IN COMBAT. HOWEVER I SEEM FIT ONLY TO SEEK DEMISE FROM A HUMAN.
IT HURTS.