Tribeca Film Festival by The Numbers: Day 1

# of parties attended: 0

# of confusing glossy magazines that are presented to you at the end of each screening: 1

# of walk-outs during Visionaries: 2

# of 30 min. late walk-ins during Visionaries: 2

# of films seen (so far): 3

# of walk-outs during Paju: 3

# of volunteers inside of Village East: 10…ish. (Probably more.)

# of walk-outs during Thieves by Law: 10

# of total minutes spent watching film today: 288

Tribeca Film Festival by The Numbers: Day 0

# of films seen: 0

# of Red Carpets: 0

# of Green Carpets: 1

# of World Premieres (so far): 1

# of bowls of Ippudo consumed: 2

# of PR people already dreading the coming fest: 3

# of Shrek films made (so far, god help me): 4.5

# of films screening tomorrow (P&I): 19

# of films screening tomorrow (gen.): 20

# of upcoming panels that discuss whether or not the film industry needs to re-evaluate itself by having panels discussing distribution by utilizing synergy, self-marketing, social media and mentoring new formats of social median synergastic distribution in order to facilitate the eventual return of film distribution to a mass market audience masquerading as independent film in order to keep this run-on sentence relevant for the next few film festivals and then have a panel discussion on that: …looks like just two.

Things I Plan To Do While At the Tribeca Film Festival

  • See films.
  • Drink at Grassroots.
  • Record podcast at Grassroots.
  • Eat a Pizzacone.
  • Go back to old neighborhood in Greenpoint so I can go eat at diner I used to live across from because I became so incredibly dependent on their corned beef hash and eggs.
  • Go spend six hours at Barcade.
  • Try to find at least two worthwhile films.
  • Go get Momofuku Fried Chicken meal.
  • Get Momofuku Ko pork shoulder.
  • Eat at a Rafiqi cart.
  • Go to Film Forum.
  • Get drunk around Avenue A and remember how I used to go get hammered at Pioneer Theater.
  • Go to Forbidden Planet.
  • Try the new Meatball place by Film Forum.
  • Awkwardly attend a karaoke night.

“Shall I have feelings, or should I pretend to be cool? Will I seem hopelessly square if I find “Kick-Ass” morally reprehensible and will I appear to have missed the point? Let’s say you’re a big fan of the original comic book, and you think the movie does it justice. You know what? You inhabit a world I am so very not interested in.”
— Roger Ebert’s introduction to his negative Kick-Ass review. While a majority of the internet has cried foul for daring to not like this movie, it’s good to hear from a critic what he did not enjoy. Especially compared to someone saying said critic is wrong by comparing Kick-Ass to the director’s cut of Payback in the first run-on sentence/paragraph.

“Was heading to Bushwick Country Club and saw you emerge from liquor store on Grand St. carrying a handle of whiskey in one hand and a bag of white cheddar Smartfood popcorn in the other. You: ragged, paint-splattered sweatshirt, tousled brown hair, dark circles under eyes, cigarette dangling from mouth. Me: Lanky dude in funky glasses wearing a Slint shirt. I smiled and you gave me a bone-chilling death look. Let me know what brand of whiskey you were carrying so I know it’s you and not some psycho. I never post these, btw.”
— Bennington College Sweatpants

Why The Streamys Sucked, pt. 2.

Oh. Another thing:

  • Saying you’re having 35 awards being given out is kind of mind-boggling. Honestly, split it into Dramatic and Comedy.
  • No one knew ANY of the Dramatic nominees. Honestly, I sat down to watch Compulsions after I got home last night and had no clue it even existed.
  • You should not have 3 skits in the course of 20 minutes followed by one award. This ratio is bound to fail.
  • Do not close the cash bar. People came to drink.
  • Lighten up. It’s video on the Internet. Everyone there WORKS on the Internet in some form. Hence there should not be shouting matches about “I deserve this seat" because you get more hits than another person.
  • Triage. Standing in will call line, a quaint staffer asked if anyone waiting was a Sponsor. A group in front of us said yes, they were with Kodak. A guy right in front of me also said yes, he was with Tubefilter. “I don’t know what that is. Sorry," replied the worker.
  • Most importantly: DON’T INVITE FUCKING EVERYONE. This is harsh, yes, but the people sitting in the upper balcony (myself included) were annoyed when 2/3s of the bits and skits involved Paul Scheer going out INTO AN AUDIENCE NONE OF US COULD SEE AND BARELY HEAR. Dudes. Just say “Sorry, nominees only get to bring three people." Or something. Believe me, a majority of the people in the upper level were only there to drink your beer and try to impress their girlfriends. By the end of the awards show, I promise you neither of those things happened.
  • Do a bunch of practice runs. It’s kind of unfathomable that the video packages broke down, were fixed and then it was revealed they were being played in order on a loop.
  • More streakers.
  • Less cramped venue. Many people may never come to Los Angeles. This is good. But having your awards program at The Orpheum on a Sunday is akin to saying, “Let’s go have a picnic in Madison Square Park at 2 am on a Wednesday night and wear our finest fur coats and diamond earings!" There’s nothing open, barely any parking and you’ll probably be jumped by a hungry nominee.

“

Ok, let me see if I got this right:
The Human Torch is Captain America.
Thor is Captain Kirk’s dad.
Iron Man is Sherlock Holmes. Also he used to fuck Spider-Man.
The Hulk is Tyler Durden and also Hector, prince of Troy.
The Ghost Rider is Hit Girl’s dad and eventually went on a treasure hunt only to end up dying drunk in Las Vegas.
Magneto is a nazi wizard who wants to fuck his gardener.
The Punisher fought Rocky Balboa in Russia and he is also Volstagg.
Batman is Jesus Christ and also a serial killer who has three clones (one retarded, one faggot and one bastard) and is also the father of Bullseye, who was in love with the guy who killed John Lennon.
Superman recently introduced his boyfriend to the Green Hornet.
Catwoman is Storm.



Did I miss anything?

”
—
  • Rorschach is a pedophile; they put him in an insane asylum on an island.
  • Bullseye used to hunt drug lords with Ray Charles.
  • The Joker is a gay cowboy
  • Black Widow hooked up with Venkman in Japan.
  • J. Jonah Jameson is Kitty Pryde’s father, who got teen-pregnant with Scott Pilgrim, who has also dated Ramona Flowers and Katara, who also used to date each other during a “sexy phase" in college.
  • Nick Fury did so many drugs in the 80s that he lost a metric fuckton of LMDs. One stole the KITT prototype and worked for a SHIELD dummy division, Knight Industries.
  • John Constantine hid his consciousness inside of a computer program during the Great Robot War. While Batman, as John Connor, lead the resistance on the outside, Constantine (now known as Thomas Anderson) fought the machines from within.
  • Green Goblin was sent to investigate when Bruce Wayne started killing people left and right.
  • The Octopus and Silken Floss have successfully infiltrated Tony Stark’s good graces. Only time will tell what those two have planned.
  • Shadowcat found out Nite-Owl was a pedo and killed him for it.
  • Hellboy lived in the sewers, becoming a modern interpretation of Beast from Beauty & the Beast, after saving a small French girl from an insane scientist trying to steal children’s dreams. The scientist’s henchman was left paralyzed and wheelchair-bound when he and Hellboy fought Aliens together on a space ship. Later on he fights vampires, before taking over a gun-running biker gang.
  • Zeus descended from the heavens to become Rhas Al Ghul, who sold all his possessions to save a bunch of Jews, and later tortured some people to save his daughter from being sold into sexual slavery. Also he was a Jedi, killed by The Toad.

when comic nerds find imdb and start posting on /co/